Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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“you recording!?”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York