[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
What do you hear?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.