*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*
*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.