Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You Might Also Like
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.