Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
time for some seasonal decor
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Imma just leave this here…………
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?