If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
You Might Also Like
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
😬
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
A little too much information.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.