[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*orders delivery*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
A man of commitment.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Match dot com, but for socks.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala