@sonictyrant

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

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@FunnyBison

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@small_blunder

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@MaMikeamo

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

@LuvPug

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother