*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
You Might Also Like
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Botany good plants lately?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.