If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”