If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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😆this is so true
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no