The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
found this cool rock hiking today
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college