mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I need to update my racial profile.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.