Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken