All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
You better watch out
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”