hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Cause of death: Zumba
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.