Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*