Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
tourist season
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
just make the entire table out of coaster
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes