In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’