Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
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[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.