Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
You Might Also Like
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.