Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl