The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.