Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen![]()
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.