Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
This is my brand.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter