Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again