My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?