I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
what does he know…
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
(by @ZachWeiner )
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.