Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Not😆🤣
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence