Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.