There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?