5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I don’t think my car can fly
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Pandas 🐼🖤
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok