[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave