*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude