I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter