I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”