Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.