DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
dictator is short for richard potato
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow