[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts