My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲