Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If I ignore life will it go away?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Taking phone security to the next level.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]