“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
i prefer mine room temperature.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy