why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.