*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”