I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”