I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The government even made aliens boring
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.