im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Roses are red
Violets are blue…![]()
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”