The only thing we have to fear is fear itself


When a women asks if you notice anything different

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Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.


My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat


My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.


My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.


Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.


hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.


My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.


Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.