@Pierre__4

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

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@noog

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

@mastrap84

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

@partlyfunny

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

@JohnnyFrittata

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@_itspat_

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.