The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
Date: tell me something interesting
Me: bees make toast
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.