Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday