Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.