The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.