tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You Might Also Like
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.