Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?