just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Always 🥴
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?