Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…