Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID