I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’