Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
our love story in four pictures
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.