*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted